Owls 'n Calls
by JRedd7272
Summary: A new group of express owls are hired to become part of Conductor's new movie ideas. That group is starting to regret their choice... (Parody of Key and Peele's "Substitute Teacher")
1. Roll Call

**So, this is one of the A Hat in Time parody fics I had in mind. So yes, while the first story is with Snatcher, I decided to make this parody with the Conductor. **

**Anyways, this story is based off a funny video called "Substitute Teacher", made by Key and Peele. That video is so hilarious to watch, I cannot get enough of it. So I decided to make this and put in little changes. :p**

**Here goes! I hope you enjoy! :D**

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***scene: The Owl Express***

The black train was moving onto the next stop. It'll be a while until the train arrives at the next stop, so the passengers were already getting pretty comfy.

It's the first day that this new group of express owls came onto. There were 10 of each of these brown owls, looking around the main room of the train, and talking. The room was dark, with very little lights. But bright enough for anyone to see.

All the owls payed their attention to the right as someone walked in. This one is a yellow owl whose eyes are unseeable because of the conductor's cap. He wore a black suit with a white t-shirt and a purple tie. His pants and boots were also black, and his hands are the same color as his yellow skin, and they had four sharp fingers.

This is the Conductor, the host of his movie productions, and his rivalry with DJ Grooves. The new express owls watched the Conductor walk to the center of the room.

"Awright, listen up, owls," Conductor greeted, "I am the host of half of Dead Bird Studio, the Conductor. I 'ave been makin' movies for a long time, and earnin' many rewards thanks to my success! So, you peck necks better not think 'bout messin' wit' me! Yer got that?"

The owls nodded as a response.

"Wright, let's take role here." Conductor said. He pulls out a clipboard from behind him. On that clipboard had a paper that had all the names of the group of express owls.

Conductor stays silent for a couple seconds before calling out the first name on the paper.

"Jehr-mee-myeehr-ah."

All of the express owls felt confused. They all just looked at each other, not sure how to respond.

"Where's Jehr-mee-myeehr-ahh at?" Conductor asked. Again, no one responded.

"There's no Jehr-mee-myeehr-ahh here?" Conductor assumed. One of the brown express owls, wearing a plaid hat, jacket, black pants, and also a pair of glasses, slowly raised his hand.

"Ya?" Conductor pointed at the owl, ready to hear the question.

"Umm... do you mean Jeremiah?" The owl, whose name was Jeremiah, asked. Conductor set the clipboard back down and glares at Jeremiah.

"Okay, so that is how it'z gonna be. Yer wanna play." Conductor exclaimed. Jeremiah looked at Conductor, confused.

"Awright then. I got my eye on yer, Jehr-mee-myeehr-ahh." Conductor warned. Jeremiah just scoffed, unamused that he still pronounced his name incorrectly.

Conductor picks the clipboard back up and looks at the paper again.

"Balakay." Conductor called out. Like before, everyone just looked around, confused.

"Where is Balakay at?" Conductor asked, "Iz there no Balakay 'ere today?"

One of the express owls, who wore a white shirt and a green jacket, along with jeans, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes sir?" Conductor pointed at that owl.

"My name is Blake." The owl replied. Conductor stood there, flabbergasted.

"Bl-" Conductor paused quickly to set the clipboard back down. He crosses his arms and glares at Blake.

"Are yer out of yer pecking mind?" Conductor exclaimed. Blake just raised an eyebrow, not sure what to respond with.

"'Blaaaaake'. What?" Conductor mocked the owl's real name. Blake was about to respond, but Conductor quickly interrupted him.

"You wanna view a myerdur scene, Balakay?!" The train host yelled.

"No."

"Because I have a myerrrrderrr scene ready!"

"No."

"I am for real. I am. FOR REAL. So yer better check yerself." Conductor threatened. Blake put both of his hands up, and just backed up.

Again, Conductor leans down to pick up the clipboard again to call out the next name.

"Doh-meen-ack."

At this point, all of the express owls had no idea what to respond with.

"Is there a Doh-meen-ack?" Conductor asked. Silence fills the room. Conductor growls in anger from the silence.

"If one of yer owls says some silly pecking name... this entire group iz gonna feel. My. Wrath." Conductor threatened every one of the individuals in the group.

"Now, Doh-meen-ack." Conductor called again. This time, there's an owl with just a black t-shirt, jeans, and glasses who raised his hand, and quickly called out the correction.

"Do you mean Dominic?" He asked.

"You... PECK NECK!" Conductor shouted as he slams the clipboard on his right leg, breaking it in half. Everyone except Dominic gasped and murmured amongst themselves.

"Yer better say yer name right. Right now." Conductor commanded as he points at Dominic.

"Dominic." The owl said.

"Say it right." Conductor groaned.

"Dominic."

"Correctly."

"Dominic."

"Right."

"Dominic."

"Right."

Dominic hesitated for a second before he responds with:

"Doh-meen-ack."

"Ayy, that's better! Thank yer very much!" Conductor sarcastically said. Dominic just scoffed and rolled his eyes.

Conductor kneels down to pick up the paper. Luckily, it didn't rip and break in half, unlike the clipboard.

"Now... Ay-Ay-Ron." Conductor called out. Everyone just shared their confused looks, just being with this train conductor in the first place.

"Where are yer? Where iz Ay-Ay-Ron right now?" Conductor questioned. Silence fills the room.

"No Ay-Ay-Ron, eh?" Conductor assumed as he places his left hand on one of his hips. Again, there was no talking.

"Well, yer better be sick, dead, or mute, Ay-Ay-Ron!" Conductor yelled. Another one of the express owls had a plaid hat, and had that same plaid pattern on his shirt and pants.

"Here!" He called out while raising his hand, and then he just mumbled, "Aw, man..."

Conductor caught hint of the mutter, so he puts the paper down and walks to the murmuring owl.

"Why didn't yer answer me the first time that I said it, eh?" Conductor asked.

"Huh?" The owl looked up at the Conductor, who seemed curious.

"Yer know, I'm just wonderin'," Conductor said, "I said yer name about four times. So, why didn't yer say it the first time that I said 'Ay-Ay-Ron'?"

The owl inhaled deeply before he corrected the Conductor.

"Because it's pronounced Aaron." The brown owl replied.

"YOUUUU PEEEEECK NEEEEEEEECCKKK!" Conductor screeched as he runs over to a desk and knocks over everything sitting on it. Every object fell off the desk, causing a loud clattering noise to be heard. Everyone was even more shocked by the Conductor's actions.

Conductor growls as he approaches his victim again.

"Yer done messed up, Ay-Ay-Ron!" Conductor yelled, "Now take yer floofy bottom down to where the lassie is across the room RIGHT NOW! An' tell her EXACTLY what yer did!"

Aaron was confused on Conductor's description of who he was mentioning.

"W-Who?" Aaron asked.

"The 9-year-old lassie from the room across from here!" Conductor shouted as he pointed at one of the doors to the right of the room. Aaron looked at the door, and recognized it, along with who Conductor was referring to.

"The child with the hat, who's in the cafeteria?" Aaron responded.

"GET OUT OF ME PECKING TRAIN BEFORE I BREAK ME FOOT UP YER BEAK!" Conductor screamed. Aaron then panicked and sprinted over to the cafeteria, where Hat Kid would be waiting.

"Insubordinate..." Conductor started as he turned back to the group. He calms down and slowly walks back to the center of the room. He took a deep breath before finishing his sentence:

"...an' churlish."

Everyone then paid attention to the conductor again after that loud fiasco. Like any other moment, knowing how to respond to THAT was almost _impossible._

Conductor gets the paper again. He still isn't done with the roll call.

"Teem-oath-eeee." Conductor called out. Another owl with an outfit similar to Agent 3 from Splatoon leans to the side and raises his hand.

"Present." He said.

"Thank yer!" Conductor groaned as he slaps his hand on his left knee.

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**Author's Note: And, yeah. That's all for today. I did my best to keep in track with the Conductor's Scottish accent, but at least I didn't forget any 'pecks'! XD**

**So, if you're wondering if I'm going to make a part two to this; yes, I am. Though consider this parody complete for now. I'll work on City of Light now so then I can continue my other A Hat in Time fic a bit as well.**

**But that's all, guys! Have a wonderful day, and see you next time! :D**


	2. Club Surveys

**WHYYYYYYYY HELOOOOOOOO THEEEEEEEERE! That's right, I finally came back to this story, and want to quickly upload the second part so then I can get started on my next big story back on Splatoon. **

**Enjoy the second part of this parody! :D**

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***day 2 on the Owl Express...***

The same group of Express Owls are back on the train after getting through a rough day with the train's Conductor. Hopefully they thought that this time it wouldn't be too out of control like yesterday was.

The Conductor walked to the center of the room, where everyone stood there, waiting patiently.

"Right, let's take roll here." Conductor said. He gout out a clipboard (which was held together by some tape), and began to read off some names of the owls.

"Jehr-mee-myeehr-ah."

"Here." Jeremiah called out as he raised his hand.

"You are present." Conductor mumbled as he scribbled down some information on the paper, preferably noting that they are here.

"Balakay?" Conductor called out as he looked over at the group.

"Uh, here." Blake said as he slightly raised his hand.

"Uh-huh." Conductor nodded as he wrote more scribbles down. A couple seconds pass by.

"Doh-meen-ack." Conductor said.

"Here." Dominic responded.

"Good." Conductor chuckled, and he scribbled some more on the paper.

"Jos-hoo-yah?" He later on said. Another express owl, named Joshua, just raised his hand.

"Thank you." Conductor said, a wide smile on his face as the attendance was working out well.

Aaron had an awkward smile on his face as he raised his hand, but it was just to ask a quick question.

"Mister Conductor?" He chuckled. Conductor just scoffs as he puts the clipboard to the side, looking at the other owl.

"What is it, Ay-Ay-Ron?" Conductor asked.

"Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today." Aaron admitted. Conductor has his mouth agape, looking at Aaron with amusement.

"Oh? Oh, is that so?" Conductor assumed.

"Mm hmm." Aaron replied. Conductor slowly approached Aaron, leaning down a bit to make eye contact with him (even though Conductor's eyes cannot really been seen).

"And wha', pray tell... is the reason... for this premature exodus?" Conductor questioned, crossing his arms.

"Uh, passport photos," Aaron said, as Conductor tilted his head. But then Aaron quickly continued by saying "We have to leave 15 minutes early today to meet up with the rest of Dead Bird Studio to also match our interests by clubs."

Conductor just chuckled, as Aaron raised an eyebrow, unsure why he'd just laugh at that.

"Okay, okay, you know what?" Conductor sighed, "That might work with oth'r movie directors, but I made me movies for many years, and earned tons of success and awards for doin' so."

Conductor walked back to the center to look at all the owls.

"Now, yer owls..." He chuckled, "Wanna leave me train early so yer can meet up with a club."

Everyone shared a confused reaction as they looked at each other awkwardly. Conductor stomps his right foot then, which got everyone's attention.

"Ain't none of yer _experienced _enough to go to de pecking club!" He yelled. Everyone, once again, was silent.

"Oi, ridiculous..." Conductor groaned as he paced around, making sure to grab the clipboard.

"Sir Conductor?" Aaron asked as he raises his hand again.

"GAAAAAAAH, DIRTY PECK NECK!" Conductor screeched as he breaks the clipboard in half again, ignoring the tape. He quickly approached Aaron again, and got right in his face.

"Did I st-t-t-t-t-t-tutter?" Conductor asked, a little frustration in his voice.

"Just then... yes." Aaron confessed. Conductor growled as he didn't like how Aaron was acting right now.

"Imma throw yer... out the pecking window!" Conductor threatened as he points at one of the windows of the train. But before things could possibly get ugly, Jeremiah raised his hand to get everyone's attention.

"What, Jehr-mee-myeehr-ah?" Conductor snapped.

"Mr. Conductor, he's telling the truth," Jeremiah said, "There's a new regulation in Dead Bird Studio to match clubs. Clubs for our special interests when we get done with the movie making.

"Okay, I see. Yer wanna play." Conductor teased, and then starts dancing around while showing a fake smile. Everyone just stayed confused, but also a little offended by the Conductor's current behavior.

"Yer wanna play. Yeah, okay. We gonna play little games." Conductor continued, slowly gaining a serious tone back. Then he stopped his dancing, and clenches his fists.

"Fine. I'll play. I'm more than happy to play some games with yer owls." He growled. Then he points at the group shortly after his teasing is done.

"Any owl dat is in going into a club... stand the peck up." He commanded. And four owls stood up upon the command: Jeremiah, Blake, Dominic, and Aaron.

"Ooh yah. Oh ya, there it is, there it is. The usual suspects." Conductor groaned. Then he took his eyes on Jeremiah.

"What the peck club are yer joinin' in, Jehr-mee-myeehr-ah?" Conductor asked.

"Um, Future Leaders of Dead Bird Studio, or FLODBS for short." Jeremiah said. Conductor looked down for a second, before growling as he looks back at the Express Owl.

"Okay, okay... how would you know... if yer gonna be a leader... in the future?" Conductor questioned. Jeremiah stays silent.

"Is there a stargate? In yer bedroom? Can yer affect time with a Time Piece, Jehr-mee-myeehr-ah?" Conductor threatened.

"No." Jeremiah admitted.

"Then sit the peck down!" Conductor demanded. Jeremiah immediately sat down after that. Conductor made his way to his next person: Blake.

"Balakay, here's the thing. I don' know why I'm about to ask yer dis," Conductor admitted, "Balakay... wha' club are yer joinin' in?"

"I'm gonna be a part of the Scottish Club." Blake replied.

"Scot-" Conductor stammered, before slamming his hand on a desk.

"Yer about as Scottish as that other peck neck, DJ GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES! With yer pecking studious skills fer these clubs!" Conductor shouted. Blake was offended, but also confused. So he immediately sat down with most of the other Express Owls.

Conductor then looked at Dominic.

"How about yer, Doh-meen-ack?" Conductor questioned.

"I'm gonna be in the Chess Club." Dominic confessed. Conductor tilted his head to one side, still keeping his arms crossed, but he wasn't buying it at all.

"Uh, sorry, lad, but, uh... yer are... not in the Chest Club." Conductor said. Dominic had his hands on his hips, feeling offended by that statement.

"The Crow Bite Club, maybe." Conductor continued.

"Ugh, hurtful." Dominic groaned as he sat back down.

"Truthful." Conductor corrected as he holds his pointer finger out. Then he looks to the left of the room and saw there was one standing owl left: Aaron.

"Ha ha ha, there he is. Ay-Ay-Ron." Conductor chuckled as he approaches the other owl.

"Heeeeyyyy..." Aaron greeted awkwardly.

"What cluuuuub... are yer joining in?" Conductor questioned.

"I'm the new president of the Glee Club." Aaron boasted, but then he mumbles: "Why did I talk?"

"THE GLEE CLUB?!" Conductor screeched, getting furious from what he heard.

"GYAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Conductor sprinted over to the desk and knocked down everything that was on it, which ended up startling everyone.

Conductor stomped back over to Aaron. The movie director wasn't happy one bit.

"Like they gon' 'ave a club! Dedicated to a TV SHOW!" Conductor screamed. Aaron cringes a bit as Conductor yelled at him. And Conductor quickly points to the door as the train came to a halted stop.

"Take yer ugly mug back to where the lassie is RIGHT NOW, before I bust a CLUUUUUUUUUUB up in yer beak!" He demanded.

"O-Okay...!" Aaron yelped, as he walked over to the door.

"GET OUTTA HERE WITH YA!" Conductor screeched as he saw Aaron make no progress.

"I-I'm going! I-I'm gonna go!" Aaron cried as he sped up, then leaves the train without a word.

Conductor then closes the door, and walks back to the staring owls.

"Mischievous and deceitful! Chicanerous... and deplorable." Conductor ranted. Suddenly, an alarm can be heard which signaled someone calling.

"Hey, everyone! Hat Kid here! I have DJ Grooves here with me for him to announce something important!" Hat Kid's voice can be heard over the intercom. A few seconds pass by until another voice comes in.

"Alright, darling," DJ Grooves's voice is now heard, "Everyone applying to be in Dead Bird Studio meet back here for some club surveys."

"Fake announcement." Conductor said bluntly. Everyone stared at him, which made Conductor's anger get a little more high.

"Now..." Conductor growled, "Does any Express Owl in 'ere have a VALID reason for leaving this train, and headin' back to Dead Bird Studio?"

One owl raised his hand.

"Teem-oath-eeee." Conductor pointed at the owl who raised his hand.

"I have to go pick up my daughter." He replied.

"Yer excused." Conductor said with a nod.

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**A/N: Alrighty, that's all now. I will meet you all back in the Splatoon section if ya wanna check me out there!**

**Have a good day, and I will see you all next time! ;)**


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